I was thinking about my sister tonight. She died when I was 4 and she was 9. I miss her terribly and if I had one wish in the world it would be to have a conversation with her because I can't remember any. From what i have been told we were very close. We were inseparable - then her life was taken away. I responded to her death by not speaking - for years I kept silent. My pain was expressed in silence. I hid in cardboard boxes, I read, I thought about God and told my parents that I also wanted to die so I could go to heaven to be with her. I told my grandma that she was an angel and I used to cup her in my hands as an angel, and I'd tell my grandma that she was right there in my hands. I was never told about God as a child, not until i was 7, years later, but I obviously already had a relationship with Him.
I feel her life was stolen from her, so I better live enough of a life for us both. I don't want to fail her and I hope I haven't. I sometimes wonder if I converted so I could make it to Heaven to have a conversation with her. When I think of Heaven I only think of her because that is the point of heaven to me. What else is there to do there? I know I shouldn't think this way but I do. I sometimes think God guided me to Him to give me that chance to have another conversation with her. Or was it to teach me about suffering? My heart if soft for mankind and perhaps this is why. It was a big loss and at such a young age. I dread the day I lose another person in my life. She lost her life, perhaps for a bigger reason. Maybe she suffered less that way. This world is full of pain. Maybe her heart was too good for this life and she would have had a hard life. I don't know. There are no answers...yet. I guess a part of me always thought if I pleased God and could make it to heaven, I could find my way back to her. Selfish thoughts I know and wrong ones too but these are my thoughts tonight and they are keeping me awake. Perhaps sharing them will put me to sleep.