For those of you that have had insomnia, you know what the phrase "intrusive ache of morning" means. If you can't fall asleep until 4am, then wake to pray, and then try to fall back asleep with the insomnia creeping back up on you, you spend your days in a dazed sleep deprived state and it's like a dream world where nothing is real but it is. It's a surreal feeling.
I've been restless and sleepless for almost three weeks now. Maybe it's the packing and my place being in a permanant state of disarray, maybe it's because I don't have my tv anymore putting me to sleep like a bedtime story, maybe it's because my life is changing very fast. The speed limit is 75 and I'm doing about 100. The last six months have been full of change and everything is new.
Moving isn't fun either. I hate doing it. There's not much in this life that I would pack up all my belongings and move for. In fact, I've never moved out of state so maybe this is where some lingering restlessness lies. I'm looking forward to it, but it's scary at the same time. My life has changed so dramatically and usually i love change and newness, but it still leaves a little nervousness in the recess of my soul. Insh'Allah, this will leave upon arrival to my new city (and life).
It doesn't help when friends keep asking me "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" I love them for having the concern, but it does make me nervous when so many people are asking it. I usually grab life by the horns, but these days I'm just walking the plank and trying not to lose balance. I know I'm moving for a good reason..the best reason really. I'm not sharing it with the general public because well that makes it lose it's sacredness. It will be public insh'Allah one day.
Over the last few weeks I've been coming out to my friends about being Muslim too. Those people I've respectfully declined going out with for the last year. It feels good for everyone to know why i've been living like a hermit, not showing up at social fuctions where drinking is involved etc, but it's also a burden on the soul to even have to explain yourself and have them eye your hijab. Some friends have been lost forever (a tear shed), some fully accept it and in their own way are proud because they know it can't be easy as they say "I wouldn't have the strength to do what you are doing" and for them I am eternally greatful. Others ask "Why did you do it?" It's not an easy question to answer. I mean how to you explain to someone that you have always had a deep love and fear of God and have always been religious but it wasn't externalized? Most people in this country can't talk about religion - it's almost a bad word - often being equated with extremism. I don't know how it got that way, but if you ever want to make someone uncomfortable ask them "How do you feel about God?" It's a very personal thing and something that can't really be explained. It's just there inside you. But when you change religions and it becomes so apparant on the outside, people ask. I'm glad they do in a way, as I have always been forthright in my opinions and beliefs as anyone who knows me knows this. And opening someone's eyes to Islam, not to convert, but just to shed some light on the religion that has been synonamous with terror, is a good thing. But I don't have an answer regarding God. My answer varies every time. It's here in my heart and words can't conjure the love I have for God.
The best thing about converting (aside from the blissful feeling inside for finally finding the way and the love for Him) is the friends I have made. I have never in my life met such good people. The sisterhood within Islam is a fringe benefit of converting. I've met some great women (and guys too) and these relationships are different because we can talk openly and honest about anything. It makes me sad to know I have to start over in another city and leave the people I've met here. There's the internet thank God. And I've already made contact with a few women over there who I am already attached too and have made plans to meet but Denver is where I found myself and for that reason, it has a grasp on my heart.
So much going on but nothing at all either...just some ponderings of my soul which really needs some rest.