So....wanted to go to the mosque tonight but ended up not making it because I was at an antiwar group meeting for the anti-war events going on this weekend. Bummer. It's the second week i haven't made it, or third. That's bad. I've become one of the Muslims I'm always complaining about. Not good. I think I'll fast tomorrow just because. I love fasting. I even did it before I was Muslim... I would feel the hunger pains and love it. Seriously. Made me think about all the hungry ones out there without food to eat. Some days I wish I could take on the pain and suffering of the world. Just like today I was telling someone that I would go to hell if all the others could go to heaven. It's weird. And don't think I'm a good person for it because I'm not...it's a selfish thing. I see suffering and I feel bad. If I suffer...I don't care. It just pains me to see it out there. I cry sometimes over people who just don't have anything...there's nothing sadder to me than a woman on the street (living or walking it) as well as men...but especially women.
I was thinking today about money and writing. You see I've always been of the belief that writers have to be poor. We have to feel everything, suffer a little, struggle, and turn every emotion, thought, etc. into a commodity...our writing. Everything that happens becomes a story in our minds or a poem. Always alert for the next moment that would be the muse of our next project.
I always felt moneyed writers were the worst. When I was young (yes i've finally realized/accepted that i'm not anymore) I always thought I'd have a cozy broken down apartment somewhere in Paris with a decent view (and to me anywhere in Paris is a decent view except the red light areas) and I'd be broke and loving it. Hemingway style. Killing pigeons in the park to eat (except pigeons aren't halaal are they?). I would write up in that apartment until my fingers were cramped and stained by ink. Blood, sweat, and tears. The passion of it all has to come through an aching for our craft and the need to do it regardless of whether or not it pays the bills. I guess what I'm saying is I want to be poor. How silly am I?