Sister Soljah
March 31, 2004
 
3 1/2 month anniversary of being Muslim

Heard an ice cream truck today - summer is near - woo hoo... And I got real mail in the mail today... I love it when I get cards, articles, etc in the mail. With the internet it never happens anymore and I absolutely when someone takes the time to do it. :-) I also ate pepperoni today...vegitarian style...and it was soooo good (Thanks for telling me about it Masooma!). I love pepperoni...and it's not the pork that makes it good...it's all those yummy spices they put in there.

Okay, so today is my 3 and a half month anniversary of being Muslim and man it's been a ride. I went way too fast. I didn't really know what I was in for, but here I am. What I do realize is that I am Muslim...I kind of felt like a tourist for a while.

It's been hard. Real hard. Some days i don't even think I am me anymore. I don't see the resemblence of who I was and who I am. It's weird and I wonder if other converts go through it. Often i feel like i am having an identity crisis, a mid-life crisis, some sort of crisis that's for sure. The pressure, the rules, everything just culminates in one day and I start crying and freaking out. Time is what I need because I kind of just jumped in and went with it. Started wearing hijab, eating halal, and giving up everything else that I was supposed to in one week. I studied, learned, prayed and everything from the first day I inquired about converting and didn't really give myself time to adjust prior to doing it. And I was doing real good with it until the last few weeks.

Then I went through this phase recently where I didn't want to pray, didn't want to wear hijab, and didn't want to eat halal...etc. It's like I wanted to be me again instead of this person I didn't recognize. So I went a day without wearing hijab so I could just be another person again instead of someone who stood out. It felt good and then I went right back to the hijab the next day. Sometimes I just need a day to be me... Kind of impossible anyway since being Muslim is being Muslim whether or not the scarf is worn etc. and the thought process changes too. I think of Allah always now...not sporadically...but in every thought I'm thinking of what I could be doing better, etc. Nothing in my life is the same as it was 3 and a half months ago. Nothing.

I also had a chat with a friend and he was telling me that recently one of his friends was on an airplane...his job was to check out the service, efficiency, etc. on the plane. Well he arrived at his destination and was escorted out by security and questioned. They said they got a call from a stewardess saying that a middle eastern man was on the plane observing everything going on in the plane and looked around a lot. Well it was his job to do that and his hijab made him suspicious. And then I've heard other men say that they can't take off their hijab. They always stick out. That must be hard. And I love wearing it most days...but just every now and again I don't. Anyone else go through this?

All in all I think I'm just still in an adjustment period and need time to adjust that I didn't get in the beginning. Add this on top of moving, and other things in my life and it all just comes out in tears every couple of weeks ago. But the good thing is I bounce back fast and come out of it better than I was. It's like I have to rebel for a day and it actually makes me stronger and better than before...

Am I weird, or is this stuff normal?

 
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A recent convert to Islam...finally found what I was searching for. I am a writer and love to read and learn. I also love travelling and getting to know new cultures and ways of thinking.

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