Sister Soljah
February 29, 2004
 
MUHARRAM MELTDOWN

Meltdown day. Today was good...nice rainy day...watched a movie and read. I was feeling rebellious and didn't want to go to the mosque...but did. Big let down. Got there and there was no where to sit or stand...or anything. Where have these people come from? There's more and more every night. It's depressing that they don't show up any other time. This was the beginning of my evening of disillussionment. First thing that went wrong is that I couldn't hear any of the lectures. Not a word...I was watching them on the tv but everyone was talking so much that I heard nothing. That upset me. Everyone comes to the mosque during Muharram but no one listens to the lectures. It's a shame. I hate to be judgmental because I really thought Muharram would be eye opening for me...a good experience and all it's done is make me disillusioned....the mosque has become a social gathering. Some don't even wear the scarf. It seems like at the mosque they could take the time to put one on. Who cares what it looks like. We are all women. It just doesn't matter. Then to come to the mosque and not pay attention. I look at this and wonder what's wrong. I'm sure they are all good muslims, but why don't they ever come during the rest of the year? Islam is about unity and the community from what I've read and it just doesn't feel like it's that way. Sadly...and I do mean sadly, I feel a lot of what is going on right now is fake...not necessarily the traditions or events but the sudden interest in religion. Islam is not about convenience....there's a reason we pray five times a day....it's a way of life not just a month. It makes me want to quit. There are three times as many women as there are men, yet the men have the big space and the women the small. Not fair. I left early. I cried tonight. Out of anger, fear, sadness, confusion....a culmination of feelings of the last couple months. I feel like giving up. I wonder if Born Muslims know how good they have it. Raised with the blessing of Islam, raised with the knowledge, raised with the culture/traditions, and raised with the language. Looking around I feel many take it for granted. It makes me sad because I work so hard at it. Every aspect of my life has changed and continues to change. Everything I do is never enough. It's hard work and a struggle. But tonight was the worst. I felt like giving up and I am so stubborn so when I'm thinking about giving up on something...there's something seriously wrong. I have been listening to music the last few days because it gives me a sort of escape even though I'm not supposed to be listening to music during Muharram. And I have been adamently stubborn about it - people keep telling me I shouldn't but I still am. This week has been hard for me emotionally and physically and spiritually. I've thought so many times about dropping everything and going back to the easy life. Music lets me escape the negative thoughts and try and regroup yet I am feeling guilty about it. It's just been hard giving up so much in such a short time and changing so much. When people tell me to do this or that I sometimes want to scream. I'm doing the best I can and am seriously trying to be a good Muslim. My prayers lately have been all about getting me through all this and forgiving me for all I do wrong. I can only do so much at a time and it seems like no one understands what I'm going through. It's hard to give up everything you know....from the way you go to the bathroom, to what to eat, how to dress, how to act, how to do this and do that. It's a lot for one person to handle. No one understands. I need a shoulder to cry on tonight or a hug...something. Talking or writing isn't enough. My life sometimes doesn't feel like my life anymore...I'm here but even my thought process has changed. I only think of Allah and what He must think of me and how I am letting Him down. And then I have to worry about letting everyone else down too. It's just so much pressure. I guess it all hit me tonight when I see so many Muslims that don't seem to practice as hard as I do (not trying to judge here, but it's how I'm feeling) - to come during this special time of year yet in two weeks they will all have disappeared again. It confuses me. And it makes me sad. I'm not going to the mosque for the rest of Muharram because it's really messing me up. Need to regroup so I don't quit. I'm so close to the edge right now...

I guess the whole world is just getting to me today. We as Shia's are split...Afghani's in one corner, Pakistani's in another, et cetera et cetera.... It's no wonder the world is so divided. I so wish we could get to a place where there is just the human race with no division. Some days I wonder how we are still here. The violence, the hate, corrupt leaders, materialism, selfishness, disregard for our creator, condemnation.....how much longer can it go on until we are all annialated? When I think of the state of the world I get depressed. It makes me cry. And tonight has been a night of tears. I pray for peace but is it enough? Is it ever enough?
 
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A recent convert to Islam...finally found what I was searching for. I am a writer and love to read and learn. I also love travelling and getting to know new cultures and ways of thinking.

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